Photographs for memories... Its pointless. Only the "good times" are captured in a photo. How many pictures of yourself do you have when you are cheating on your lover? How many pictures are on your computer of yourself when you are in an argument? How many of the pictures with the two of you together show what's on your mind, and what's eating your heart? NONE! Not one. Pictures are pitiful escapes into the good times of the relationship. The only way you can access the bad times is by searching in your mind. Perhaps that's the best place for them. Jan remembers. I've forgotten. What hurt do I remember? I remember living in a lie. I remember falling in love and feeling ashamed of what I had done. I remember not forgiving myself until the point of separation. I remember being without him hurt me sooo much that I cried in Katie's lap for hours until Jan showed up to take me back. I remember realizing Jan was not going to change. I remember being so hurt that I knew the only way I could get him to realize how important his quiting smoking meant to me was to end our relationship. Well, its over. Not because of the pain he caused me, but because of the pain I caused us. Not only did I hurt him with what I'd done. I put a nail through my own heart. All of the bad times in our relationship brought us closer to one another. We defined eachother. We became so close... Being without him for so long has murdered my spirit. Ive prayed and prayed. But my prayers do me no good, because each and every one of them dwells on my loss. If you want it bad enough you will get it. Well... my priorities are messed up. What I want more than anything, I have no control over. Jan Hendrik de Jong, I want either to be with you or without you. These memories must die. This pain must be buried. If we are going to be friends, I have to start ALL over again__Im not ready to do that. To erase all those photograph memories. They are too precious to me, because in those moments, I can see my love for you.