she is

this is who i am. her hair wraps around her square face as she stares at the cobblestone path beneath her proud feet. the only confidence about her hides in her shoes. i hide behind thick glasses and torn jeans, two sizes too big for the shape of my legs. it's her personality, they like. she has a radiance about her--outgoing, comical, defiant--perhaps she doesn't notice.

Photographs for memories... Its pointless. Only the "good times" are captured in a photo. How many pictures of yourself do you have when you are cheating on your lover? How many pictures are on your computer of yourself when you are in an argument? How many of the pictures with the two of you together show what's on your mind, and what's eating your heart? NONE! Not one. Pictures are pitiful escapes into the good times of the relationship. The only way you can access the bad times is by searching in your mind. Perhaps that's the best place for them. Jan remembers. I've forgotten. What hurt do I remember? I remember living in a lie. I remember falling in love and feeling ashamed of what I had done. I remember not forgiving myself until the point of separation. I remember being without him hurt me sooo much that I cried in Katie's lap for hours until Jan showed up to take me back. I remember realizing Jan was not going to change. I remember being so hurt that I knew the only way I could get him to realize how important his quiting smoking meant to me was to end our relationship. Well, its over. Not because of the pain he caused me, but because of the pain I caused us. Not only did I hurt him with what I'd done. I put a nail through my own heart. All of the bad times in our relationship brought us closer to one another. We defined eachother. We became so close... Being without him for so long has murdered my spirit. Ive prayed and prayed. But my prayers do me no good, because each and every one of them dwells on my loss. If you want it bad enough you will get it. Well... my priorities are messed up. What I want more than anything, I have no control over. Jan Hendrik de Jong, I want either to be with you or without you. These memories must die. This pain must be buried. If we are going to be friends, I have to start ALL over again__Im not ready to do that. To erase all those photograph memories. They are too precious to me, because in those moments, I can see my love for you.

dear jan

Last night was a wreck. There was sooo much drama and then I started to talk to Lindsay online and I broke down. I talked to Ben about things. I don't want to tell you everything because I don't want to burden you. I can't. I think so much that it often works against me. *sighs*
Ben suggests that I support you in everything that you do, but is that right?
These are the issues that I am facing:
I want you to rule your own life. I want you to make your own choices. I want you to feel comfortable

with me and to feel comfortable with yourself. I want you to be true to yourself.
I want to rule my own life. I want to make my own choices. I want to feel comfortable with myself and
with you. I want to be true to myself...
Is it possible for me to have all of this?
I want to be with you.
I want to be happy. I want to be happy with you. I want to love you without pain.
What pains me?
Dylan--he is stupefied by the same choices you've made. I don't want another Dylan.
Opa--he was "dead" for 2 years before he actually died... from smoking.

I've always disliked smoking. I've never been attracted to smoking.
I care about you. I love you. I am afraid and scared and hurting.
I cried.
Why?

I was upset. I was under pressure. I was affected.
I know that you love me. I know that you respect me. I know that you care for me. I know that it is hard for you.
It is also hard for me. Why?

I am supposed to support you. I want to be supportive. BUT...
am I supposed to be supporting a simple choice, or a POOR choice?

I may not agree with the choices you make, but I am glad you are making them and NOT me.
I am GLAD you are not adjusting your life to mine. I am hurt. I can't stop this.
I don't know how well I can handle this. I don't know if I can handle this. I don't know if I am handling this.
My emotions.

It feels FUBAR.
SORT KARYN... FUCKING SORT... SORT HOW YOU ARE FEELING, UNDERSTAND IT...
what do I do?

You and me.

Am I in love with an idea? Or am I in love with you?

You are great, spectacular... And I love you. Not an idea. I love you.

That is why it hurts me so much. Love hurts. But pain shouldn't shine like the sun because that sort of pain is deadly.
Pain should shine like a lamp. You can see the pain, but it doesn't bite the eyes. You know its there, but its NOT
going to annihilate you.
I am in pain. You know that it hurts me. You see my pain... it doesn't hurt you like it could because I am choosing to wear
a lampshade. I love you, and I support you.
Or am I just saying that? what do I want? you??

Yeah. you. I love you! Don't you forget that. I have to work on my part instead of constantly zapping you for the pain you cost me.
The pain that I can learn to deal with. You know, I don't have to tell. So I will not be pushy... I will wait for you, my love. I will wait.

Will you wait for me?

Will you be ready?

I am serious. I am seriously hurt. I cannot live like this, in shadows for always. You must know.

But I will keep my distance. I will not be a bother. I will love you from afar.

I will work to better myself for you. Just let me know what's wrong.

I want to change, I want to adjust to you... I want to knock down my constitutions for you.

AND FOR ME. FOR ME. FOR ME...

Will you do this too?

when i was in the Netherlands, you disappointed me a number of times... will you continue to?

TIME

time

Time

you need time to overcome the power of the addiction, i need time to heal. i need time to mend. i need time to think, to sort, to satisfy.

what do I want?

MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.

to be happy. to be content.

Jan---you may be the best thing that has happened to me thus far in life, but that doesn’t say much. i mustn't put my trust in this.

you may not be the one. I may be mistaken. i may be blinded by your light... definitely.

What is it about you that I will not let go? ... why would it be so hard for me to just pack up and leave you?

you upset me frequently, but make me happy every damn day....

I wish I could be happy. I wish you wouldn’t upset. it will take a miracle for that to happen. TIME time time.

why is it that when I am with you, I am more without you than when I truly am without you?

i feel more without you with you by my side.

werk

Wat voor soort werk wil je gaan doen in de toekomst en wat heb je tot nu toe al voor baantjes gehad?

Ik heb veel baantjes gehad. Tot nu toe heb ik voor mijn vader in onze bakkerij gewerkt. Ik begon dat werk toen ik 13 jaar oud was. Ik werkte na school, 's zaterdags, en ook vakanties. Ik werkte als kassier en schoonmaker. Ik ken heel veel mensen die elke week naar de bakkerij komen. Karel komt elke dag voor haar chocolade melk en saucijzenbroodje. Vanaf openingstijden hielp ik klanten die binnen kwam en sprak ik met klanten die belden. Verder, als er niemand aan de beurt was, waste ik af. Na sluitingstijd, maakte ik de vloeren en tafeltjes schoon.

Door de zomers, heb ik twee baantjes gewerkt. Twee zomers geleden, heb ik in mooie huizen gewerkt. Ik werkte die baan meestal buiten in de tuinen. Ik maaide het gras en wiedde de bloembedden. Vorige zomer, werkte ik als een Park Ranger bij het strand van Holland Michigan. Het werk was niet zo leuk. Ik maakte toiletten en douchen schoon. Ik haalde zand van de stoepen en parkeerplaatsen weg. Ik liep over het strand en haalde afval op. Het was hard werk door de zon, maar goed.

Na Roosevelt Academy wil ik misschien in een hogeschool werken. Ik wil iets met theater doen zoals school musicals regisseren. Ik hou van dit soort werk. Ik wil met andere mensen die ook van theater houden samen werken.

Wanneer mijn vader met pensioen gaat wil ik de bakkerij van hem kopen. Ik ben trots op de bakkerij en ik wil het altijd in de familie houden.

251 words.

Dear Joost,

...
Since our break-up, I have mucked my life up something terrible and I need to fill you in.

Not once during our relationship did I consider cheating on you. Not once did I look at another man lustfully. I wanted so bad to "fix" you. I've always felt a distance between us in our sexual affairs. We were never on the same level.

The reason I hadn't a desire to cheat on you in our relationship is because I've been there. I've been cheated on and I have cheated and I know how damaging that can be. It doesn't just affect the victim. When you commit such a "crime" against a lover in a relationship, you have to live with it for the rest of your doggone life. I remember how much I paid for my actions and I didn't want to see that in your eyes. NOT after I'd seen it in Jan's eyes. And I didn't want to suffer myself more than I already had.

It's not just the pain, though. It was the hope. You were PERFECT. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I didn't want to lose that chance to be happy with you. But you've let down your guard and shown me a part of you I didn't know of.

You're the victor in this whole ordeal. You've confessed. You've opened up your soul to me.

I was angry, confused, hurt. I "needed" a man to appreciate me. To fall slave to MY body. To tell me that I was the most beautiful thing he'd laid his eyes upon. I "needed" a man to desire me, find me irresistibly gorgeous since I felt you'd betrayed that part of me.

THIS IS THE PART YOU DON'T WANT TO READ:

I drank myself a pyramid of beer. I fell slave to my desire, my "need", to be sexy and irresistible. Not a day after our break-up I found myself in the arms of another man. I've done you wrong. Sure, we were no longer together, but we were not yet apart. I was vulnerable. Joost, I let that man control me. I let him use me so that I could feel good about my body and you know what? It didn't make me feel any better.

the spent of a woman

i want to be so much in love that the very idea of spending time with another man would detest me, but i am not. i have not been since my last long-term relationship that was with a man who taught me manners and set me straight. we completed each other (aside from the fact that i wasn't ready for it and my drinking problem ended up ruining our relationship.)

when will i ever get to be so close to commitment again? when will i ever be so content, so certain, so consumed by love again that i cannot escape it's destiny in my life? when will i ever make it to the point of no return? and who will be there with me?

slipknot

It’s not like I don’t know there’s something wrong. When you sit inside your head for sport you know you’ve only got two optimal futures: either you end up a genius or you land yourself a number as a psych ward junkie.

You get sick of the simultaneous batter of words that spill through your mind in the miscellaneous milliseconds of annulled dialogue. Two of one voice, the rational and the irrational, or perhaps, the wise and the knowledgeable, or maybe neither. One says Dear God over the other that says Dear ME since one hopes and the other fears. I feel it’s childs play. Nobody hears. I hear. They’re stuck there. A battle of body, mind, and soul. I swear by the soul for there is no other explanation for the simultaneous ramble that tires my head. It frustrates me. When I pray. Do I not talk to myself? Where do the words that I want God to hear go, but jostle around in my thick skull for the split moments I bear them in mind?