sometimes i dont think its necessary to give the details

life just keeps throwing me curves--i don't know how many swerves i can take before i end up in a serious car crash; but, i am stronger now than i have ever been. i am far away from the world that i used to live in, the world that i struggled to survive in. i am leaving that life behind me and i am starting a new one and this time i'm holding on to God's hand. he's been offering it to me for such a long time and i've been too stubborn to take it. well, i'm sick of living my own life. this time, im not doing it alone. i know that i will never know for sure what's in store for me. the future is not in my control. i constantly try to run my own life and make it appear like i have control, but i dont. now that i can admit that, i feel like things are going to change for me. they might not go the way i'd planned, but they will go the way God plans and God will not fail me. i may fail me, others may fail me, but God will never leave me.
i'm still praying that God will bring jan and i back together. i'm praying that everything that has happened will open our eyes to this new reality and that we can fight through this. some things have to change, and i hope there are other things that can "stay" the same.

anxious--i must prepare myself for this up-coming weekend, starting thursday w/ my interview w/ the dean of RA. please--pray for me!

im spending time with jan's parents in Ede just to relax a bit and get away from the drama back at home in zwolle. i honestly don't know why i chose to stay here instead of there. i guess i just needed to get away and "explore memory lane" for the weekend. sometimes memories can make you feel a little better even when it feels like all hell has broken free and is roaming the earth.

i may be intelligent/wise, but 99% of the time i forget to put my wisdom/intelligence to use. i was right...thus, jan was right. i need to remember, "i am one of me and there will be no other"... i cant keep living other peoples lives or i will never get out of this slum. i used to not care at all...what happened to me? when did i start ignoring my own beauty? if i keep dwelling on the sinner-factor ill never feel good about myself. living in the netherlands will change me... i already feel much better, much more relaxed, though i am not prepared for anything. i am too full of hope to even begin to prepare myself for the worst case scenario.
i'm in a rut and need a breather. i'm nervous about carmela being in groningen. i want to be able to apologize--to defend myself. i have no control in this situation. i hate not knowing things, uncertainty...life is kicking me in the ass at the moment, and it goes on.

the netherlands feels like home to me... but home is not always a comfortable place. sibling rivalries and precausious parents, granny's back-in-the-days, and all the halluballoo. you'll find the drama everywhere... all you have to do is step outside of it for a moment and notice it from the outside. only then can it be fixed.

God--alstublieft, blijf met mij. I need you more than anything in the world and more than anything in the world, you make me feel like I can go on. Sometimes you have to suffer for the things that you do... and I am suffering. I still do not know what to expect, but I can say one thing, what happens next happens for a reason. What I did to Jan and to myself was foolish and wrong. Now, I must see things without dreamy eyes and let it be as it should be. Now, I will write to him and let him know everything. Now... NOW I will let it be.

Its been nearly one month since I arrived in the Netherlands, and I must say I've seen better days. The first week went by rather hazily. Immediately after arriving, we visited Jorrit's family for his fathers birthday. After koffie/thee en toetjes we drove up to Friesland for Christmas! It was one of those go-with-the-flow sort of deals, (not an easy way to escape jetlag). I remember being anxious to leave Friesland so that I could spend time with Jan alone! We left for Groningen a couple days after arriving in Friesland and there is where I started to experience hardcore culture shock, as Suzan puts it. I was not enjoying myself as I would have hoped to and, now that I have time to look back on it, I think it is because I was on a sort of house arrest. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know any Dutch, I didn't have any money, I didn't have a bike, I was alone and ornery. They had their life and I had... nothing. No way of knowing really what to do or where to go or how to live in their country. Jan and his neighbors are all members of NSG, a frat-like organization of students in Groningen. They all get together for activities such as bible study, praise and worship, social parties, and many other events (all in Dutch). So I was not only an outsider being American, but I was also an outsider not having been sworn into the NSG fraternity. What can I say? I was really feeling ill about the idea of staying 5 months in a country where I was alone.
I discovered a couple of nights ago that the reasons for my "bad first experiences" were mostly problems of my own. I am afraid of things that I do not understand and FEAR is my devil. It robs me of happiness, of love, and of companionship. I get afraid of opinions that I cannot understand--afraid of lifestyles that I cannot easily adapt to. It is hard to adjust to a lifestyle that you cannot understand, not only for the reason that it is different culturally, but more so for the reason that it is NOT in a language you can understand.
During my first month in the Netherlands, before the program, I blamed all of my bad moods on the Dutch language because I was getting sooo mad at it. Why? Because I did not know when to speak. I did not want to be rude and jump into a conversation lull using English so I kept quiet most of the time. (I'm usually very social). Koffie time can last hours... I wasn't sure how I could be of help. Interupting is considered rude in my house, so I didn't feel right interupting to ask if I could help clean up. Also, because they ALWAYS spoke Dutch I wasn't aware of what they were talking about and how they did things. I had to learn it all by observation AND by getting "lectured" a couple of times. Karyn--you should help with the dishes because you are living here. I know! But, I do not know when it is an appropriate time to do so because you are speaking in Dutch. Also, this is the first couple days I am here and I do not know your house routine just yet. Once I am familiar with the atmosphere, I can be a much better help... or if someone tells me right off the bat so that I do not have to appear as a fool and a "typical American" that would be much appreciated.
What can I say--first things first--learn the way of the host family/brothers/sisters and then you will be able to find your place and start to feel more comfortable and more at home.
I am very glad to be in Zwolle away from Jan so that I can spend time experiencing his culture on my own and through multiple Netherland-residents. I feel like this experience will help me understand him more even if it is not with him because I will be more open to the Dutch instead of to the de Jong's. So here's to the start of this semester abroad. Goed zo.