a thought hit me about 20 minutes ago. i don't like school.
i'd rather take two classes and do exceedingly well in them, than take a lot of classes and do ok.
i need to make money. i need to be somewhere where i can be employed and make money.
i want to go to australia.
i would go to the netherlands, because i don't care.
school is school, no matter where you go.
i need a place with little distractions, a place i can make money, and a place that i can learn in.
i like versatility. i hate centralizing education.
i want to major in theatre, psychology, art history/fine arts/graphic design, writing, etc.
look at all those i's... *sighs* selfish little girl.
christmas gift this year, plane ticket to the netherlands.
what material thing could possibly make me happier than seeing my boyfriend?

I HATE FUCKING BLOGS. GODDAMN THEM. I WAS WRITING SOMETHING IMPORTANT AND ITS FUCKING GONE.

i cried.

i was talking on the phone to my best friend and it appeared to me that there is no gaurantee on life. i am not gauranteed life past a moment. that phone call could be the last time i ever talked to her and what did i say? nothing meaningful, nothing intelligent, nothing more or less than a bunch of rambling non sense. so whats the deal? why do we live so ignorantly? great minds are constantly challenging themselves to "live life to the fullest... make something out of every moment they have breath", but rarely ever will someone actually come across a person who lives accordingly. it would be a life challenge to expect the last of every moment. it is my understanding that if someone were to attempt to live by this principle it would nearly kill them. could you imagine expecting the least of all things and trying very intentionally to make the most of every second? you best put yourself in a coma and wake 30 years later when, by chance, you get your head straight. live life, but live it as it is given you. expect nothing out of the ordinary, and you will be thoroughly amazed by its versatile nature. give it your all, but don't give all, you.

how is it that i can want two completely opposite things at one time? it has come to my attention that life is amazing! i know this may sound crazy, but just minutes ago i was gently gliding my thumb across my fingertips and i was inspired to live! imagine that?! the delicate touch of my thumb, slowly meddling with my finger tips felt so incredible! the sensation lasted for a couple of moments after contact. it's so bizzare how a touch can take your mind away and you're ability to operate normally. what can i say? our bodies are beautifully and wonderfully made.

isn't it odd how often we are dissatisfied? everything is either too much or too little, too great or too small, too wrong or too right. why? why are we so hard to satisfy? don't we already have everything we need to satisfy us? why must i crave a mindless indulgence? it doesn't make any sense. i crave to fuck my body up with street drugs, so why don't i? well, there is more than simply the unsettling fear of such a chance. i also think it wrong, yet still it tempts me. why so? i want to know what it is that pesters my cravings... i want to know why.

how do you know when you experienced it. what is there to look for? love is like a drug. you cannot ask someone else for their experience because it more than likely will not compare to yours. similarly with drugs. jack pops a couple shrooms and starts talking to his english speaking pet fish. diane pops a couple shrooms and cant figure out how to open her bedroom door which is now ten times larger than she is. each person's love experience varries just as each persons drug experience. so how do you know that its love? well, you just know. just like you KNOW you're experiencing a trip when you chose to do drugs. something is not right... or in the case of love, something is now seemingly undefinable. so, based on this asssumption of love, am i experienced? how the hell am i to know? it amazes me how young some couples are when they get married. really, its just so unthinkable from where i am standing. how bizzare is that?

its so weird to think that we are all philospohers... well, most people are. there are those people that simply conform to other peoples ways of thinking and forget to think for themselves. i pity those who do not question, doubt, and create for themselves their own opinions and beliefs to best fit their minds and hearts compelling desires and wonders. its strange really, how some people simply go through life agreeing with everything they hear because its sounds good and not making for themsleves accusations and conclusions based on how they respond to the facts thrown at them. im often guilty of this very thing, simply to avoid confrontations. pathetic.