Dear Joost,

...
Since our break-up, I have mucked my life up something terrible and I need to fill you in.

Not once during our relationship did I consider cheating on you. Not once did I look at another man lustfully. I wanted so bad to "fix" you. I've always felt a distance between us in our sexual affairs. We were never on the same level.

The reason I hadn't a desire to cheat on you in our relationship is because I've been there. I've been cheated on and I have cheated and I know how damaging that can be. It doesn't just affect the victim. When you commit such a "crime" against a lover in a relationship, you have to live with it for the rest of your doggone life. I remember how much I paid for my actions and I didn't want to see that in your eyes. NOT after I'd seen it in Jan's eyes. And I didn't want to suffer myself more than I already had.

It's not just the pain, though. It was the hope. You were PERFECT. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I didn't want to lose that chance to be happy with you. But you've let down your guard and shown me a part of you I didn't know of.

You're the victor in this whole ordeal. You've confessed. You've opened up your soul to me.

I was angry, confused, hurt. I "needed" a man to appreciate me. To fall slave to MY body. To tell me that I was the most beautiful thing he'd laid his eyes upon. I "needed" a man to desire me, find me irresistibly gorgeous since I felt you'd betrayed that part of me.

THIS IS THE PART YOU DON'T WANT TO READ:

I drank myself a pyramid of beer. I fell slave to my desire, my "need", to be sexy and irresistible. Not a day after our break-up I found myself in the arms of another man. I've done you wrong. Sure, we were no longer together, but we were not yet apart. I was vulnerable. Joost, I let that man control me. I let him use me so that I could feel good about my body and you know what? It didn't make me feel any better.