about religion

knowing
"I'm ok with not knowing everything" Yessin.
The thing I hate the most about living is the unknown. It is true. I do not like NOT knowing things and I have noticed that a lot of the emphasis I put on belief is in direct response to what I do not know nor can know to be fact or fiction. If I cannot give an answer, I give a religious response. Am I, then, taking the easy way out? Or am I supporting what I "believe"?
Well, since I am not certain of what I believe, it appears that I am simply avoiding the question. I trust science. Why? Because I can understand it. I can grasp it. It makes sense. It is logical. I can touch it. I can practice it. I am a part of it. Science has authority. It is valid. It has "truth", to some extent. I can know what Science has to offer me. I can comprehend, visually and theoretically, the components of scientific discoveries. So why do I then call myself a Christian, when in reality, I hesitate to accept Christian answers over scientific reasoning? Should I not call myself a scientist?
Monkeys. I hate monkeys! Why? Because they make me feel foolish believing that the concept of one God is possible. The "creator" of God was quite imaginative. Omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, etc. Such an entity is literally, out-of-this-world. No wonder religion has become such a laughing matter. With science on the high, how can you possibly give some abstract nobody the authority of omniscience? omnipotence? omnipresence? That is rediculous. Science keeps me well informed. Those monkeys that people evolved from are quite extraordinary. They can "communicate", they can form "cliques", they behave much like humans do. Doesn't it makes sense, then, that we evolved from such creatures? Doesn't it makes sense then, that we share similar characteristics as they do? What is it about a monkey that seperates us from them? Science refutes relgious explanations for life quite extensively. How than do we Chrisitians have the authority to argue with such logic and "truth"?
trusting
On the subject of trust: it is normal for people to trust their friends with their money, or with their house keys, or with other personal belongings, but it is harder for people to trust others with their life. Why then do we all trust the Scientist? (For the sake of those with relgious beliefs), our (eternal) lives depend on them. If they misguide us, we stand condemned. We often misguide ourselves. How often can you trust yourself? Do you trust your judgment 100%? I know that I cannot. So why then should I put my trust in a Scientist? Why not a theologian? Why not in God? Why is it so human to put trust in mortal things?
seeing
When I listen to people talk about their own beliefs, I sometimes hear hope. I hear them, and they do not 100% deny God. Some do, others do not. It is the others that nuture my doubting soul.
proof
Tell me, oh Scientist, without all the explanations of processes and functions of cells, organs, etc. how do I think?
Tell me, oh Scientist, how do I feel (emotionally)?
FACT: We live and act and abide to our culture, our community, our identity.
SCIENCE: Environmental influence. Genetics. Self. Behavior.
RELIGION: We are all created in God's image. Hence the reason we are "predictable" creatures. We are all the same through God. We will all live and act and abide according to the Nature of God.

the "other" blog

eventually, I will combine the two and make ONE online journal.
as for right now, more recent entries can be found in the following journal.

www.xanga.com/StarShadowz

take it back

if you could take back one thing that you had done in your life, what would it be?
nothing specific.
id take back the little things that hurt the most. wasted words that i did not mean, but said. things that i said about my family, about my friends, about myself that were horrible. i would take back those bad things that i said toward others that i never apologized for.
id take back forcing my sisters to eat less so that i didnt have to be alone in my eating disorder.

dutch language: i want to learn to speak dutch well enough to carry on a conversation in various situations. it is very important to me that i learn the dutch language because, from my perspective, the language is one of the most important aspects of a culture. if you can understand how individuals of a culture interact (listen to what they talk about and how they present those subjects of interest), then you can better understand the "dutch stamina/backbone".
approach: study dutch words, grammar, etc and put it to practice every chance that i get. get involved, socialize with the other students. show interest in the individual. practice formulating dutch sentences while speaking on msn or to my family. practice practice practice. immerse and converse.
God: i want to become closer to God. i want to know Him for who He is and to gain a more accurate understanding of His true nature.
aaproach: God created the world and as the creator He inevitable is inscribed into the world. it is the work of His hands. i once learned, "a text out of context is a pretext for trouble"... taking God out of His creation leads onto to innacturate convictions of who God is. God isn't just in America. God is everywhere. to experience God and to understand God, i feel it is important to view Him from a new perspective, from another God-made environment. if I want to learn something and know it full-well (which is humanly impossible, but one can get seemingly close), i must study it from all angles and in all lights and darks, and in all contexts. how i see things are different from how others see things and how other see things can help shape the way i see things. its a network of connections and respects for the "very Him" of God... (note: C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed). needless to say, God cannot be contained, defined, explained, understood, etc but God can be "seen". He can be witnessed. my pre-determined concept/idea of God can be modified by my experiences here in a prison of self-development and discovery.
relationships: because i am a part of others as they are a part of me and because God is found in every human being, i am particularly interested in developing relationships with people here in the Netherlands. i want to experience family, friends, and myself. each and every person is unique; handcrafted by God and provided with a freedom to be as they so desire. each and every person can be identified as a walking masterpiece, a process novel. their stories, their experiences, their values and convictions, their perspectives, their initiatives, their relationships, their social compatability, etc every living being has something to give. every living being is a receptor of chance, change, challenge... life. every living being. of course, i cannot meet every living being, but i can; however, take chances in making a connection with someone--if only to speak once and never meet again, i have that to take with me. i value most my relationships, my connections, my integrations and i want to broaden them to as far as they may possibly go.
approach: people watching, socializing, putting myself out there and being open to their interests. expect nothing so that when something happens, it can be open to discernment and free of bias. get out there and take some risks, get messy! make mistakes! reflect on them in order to avoid making the same mistake twice.
(maybe that's why my uncle called me a mule/sheep. i tend to have to make mistakes more than once before i learn from them.)
lifestyle: i want to experience dutch living.
approach: hang out with dutch students. live in a dutch family. make observations and reflect on what i notice. (differences between American lifestyle/family living and Dutch lifestyle/family living.)
THESE WILL BE A CHALLENGE. I WILL NOT LEARN OVERNIGHT. PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE. I MUST PRACTICE MY VIRTUES SIMULTANEOUSLY!

a little something to laugh at:
accounts of the week...
dinsdag--
--woke up to go to the GH and tell the class i decided to quit drinking
--went to mediamarkt and set off the alarms b/c i didnt know how to get out
--almost got ran over by a bunch of young drivers who cussed at me for biking in front of them
--got to UCU for my interview and the man who conducted the interview forgot so there was a line up of prospective students
--got to the train station and the train to zwolle was down
--got lost 5 times trying to get back home from the station at night
donderdag--
--i burned a boiled egg, the water evaporated and the egg sat burning on the bottom of the pan
im really good at this dutch living thing

ik ben vol. my head is full, my heart is full, my stomach, full... i'm FULL. i don't know what i am doing, and i don't care.
i'm going with the flow and listenin to my music, doing a little research here and there. i've been accepted to roosevelt academy... but i don't know if i want to go there.

i miss myself a little, so i'm going to reflect on who i am for a moment:

name: kak
height: 5'6''
weight: 134lbs
shoe size: 9.5
eye color: blue-grey
nationality: united states, michigan
status: single, but not interested
academic interest: art, writing
religion: Christian

FAVORITES:
food(s): indonesian and italian
beverage(s): peach tea smoothie and chai tea (latte)
season: autumn
time of day: night
number(s): 19 and 3
letter(s): j and g
color(s): cobalt yellow, indian yellow, yellow ochre, green earth, and egyptian blue
music genre: classics -- eagles, bob dylan, billy joel, jim croce, jimi hendrix, etc
wear: tennis shoes, old jeans, hoodies -or- sexy, yet sophisticated eveningwear
pass time: music, dancing, movies, driving/off-roading, sitting on the roof, writing, etc
games: mae jong, tetris, hide'n'seek, puzzles--crossword, sudoku
summer activities: pier diving, roof hopping, pulling pranks, driving, taking walks, etc
LEAST FAVORITES:
food(s): foreign candy--sometimes
beverage(s): fruity alcoholic beverages and clear sodas
season: winter, but its beautiful in Michigan
time of day: morning
number(s): even
letter(s): x and o, unless together xoxo
color(s): six basic colors and pink
music: pop and rap
wear: fashionable clothes
pass time: boredom
games: life and monopoly

hmmm... i think i'm getting to know myself a little more.

IF I could do whatever I wanted to do, what would I do:
1) live on the streets
2) make art
3) get out of here, experience LIFE... you know. I really don't know why I keep doing what's expected of me. If I really want to do these things, what's holding me back? Family, friends? I keep holding myself back because I am afraid. Afraid of what? Not having enough money... society thinking I am nothing for wanting to live on the streets? Why am I not doing what I REALLY want to do?
Well, I guess because once I start something, I don't just give up and go... So, when I finish this program... I can get up and go? I have a couple weeks after the program here in the Netherlands. I can live on the Netherlands streets and PAINT.
Maybe I will do that. Maybe I will walk to Groningen. You know how cool that would be? Damn it... remind me to walk to Groningen. I'm so going to live on the streets in the Netherlands once I finish this program. I'm stubborn as hell AND I WILL do that.
4) meet people, learn about people, learn about God

sometimes i dont think its necessary to give the details

life just keeps throwing me curves--i don't know how many swerves i can take before i end up in a serious car crash; but, i am stronger now than i have ever been. i am far away from the world that i used to live in, the world that i struggled to survive in. i am leaving that life behind me and i am starting a new one and this time i'm holding on to God's hand. he's been offering it to me for such a long time and i've been too stubborn to take it. well, i'm sick of living my own life. this time, im not doing it alone. i know that i will never know for sure what's in store for me. the future is not in my control. i constantly try to run my own life and make it appear like i have control, but i dont. now that i can admit that, i feel like things are going to change for me. they might not go the way i'd planned, but they will go the way God plans and God will not fail me. i may fail me, others may fail me, but God will never leave me.
i'm still praying that God will bring jan and i back together. i'm praying that everything that has happened will open our eyes to this new reality and that we can fight through this. some things have to change, and i hope there are other things that can "stay" the same.

anxious--i must prepare myself for this up-coming weekend, starting thursday w/ my interview w/ the dean of RA. please--pray for me!

im spending time with jan's parents in Ede just to relax a bit and get away from the drama back at home in zwolle. i honestly don't know why i chose to stay here instead of there. i guess i just needed to get away and "explore memory lane" for the weekend. sometimes memories can make you feel a little better even when it feels like all hell has broken free and is roaming the earth.

i may be intelligent/wise, but 99% of the time i forget to put my wisdom/intelligence to use. i was right...thus, jan was right. i need to remember, "i am one of me and there will be no other"... i cant keep living other peoples lives or i will never get out of this slum. i used to not care at all...what happened to me? when did i start ignoring my own beauty? if i keep dwelling on the sinner-factor ill never feel good about myself. living in the netherlands will change me... i already feel much better, much more relaxed, though i am not prepared for anything. i am too full of hope to even begin to prepare myself for the worst case scenario.
i'm in a rut and need a breather. i'm nervous about carmela being in groningen. i want to be able to apologize--to defend myself. i have no control in this situation. i hate not knowing things, uncertainty...life is kicking me in the ass at the moment, and it goes on.

the netherlands feels like home to me... but home is not always a comfortable place. sibling rivalries and precausious parents, granny's back-in-the-days, and all the halluballoo. you'll find the drama everywhere... all you have to do is step outside of it for a moment and notice it from the outside. only then can it be fixed.

God--alstublieft, blijf met mij. I need you more than anything in the world and more than anything in the world, you make me feel like I can go on. Sometimes you have to suffer for the things that you do... and I am suffering. I still do not know what to expect, but I can say one thing, what happens next happens for a reason. What I did to Jan and to myself was foolish and wrong. Now, I must see things without dreamy eyes and let it be as it should be. Now, I will write to him and let him know everything. Now... NOW I will let it be.

Its been nearly one month since I arrived in the Netherlands, and I must say I've seen better days. The first week went by rather hazily. Immediately after arriving, we visited Jorrit's family for his fathers birthday. After koffie/thee en toetjes we drove up to Friesland for Christmas! It was one of those go-with-the-flow sort of deals, (not an easy way to escape jetlag). I remember being anxious to leave Friesland so that I could spend time with Jan alone! We left for Groningen a couple days after arriving in Friesland and there is where I started to experience hardcore culture shock, as Suzan puts it. I was not enjoying myself as I would have hoped to and, now that I have time to look back on it, I think it is because I was on a sort of house arrest. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know any Dutch, I didn't have any money, I didn't have a bike, I was alone and ornery. They had their life and I had... nothing. No way of knowing really what to do or where to go or how to live in their country. Jan and his neighbors are all members of NSG, a frat-like organization of students in Groningen. They all get together for activities such as bible study, praise and worship, social parties, and many other events (all in Dutch). So I was not only an outsider being American, but I was also an outsider not having been sworn into the NSG fraternity. What can I say? I was really feeling ill about the idea of staying 5 months in a country where I was alone.
I discovered a couple of nights ago that the reasons for my "bad first experiences" were mostly problems of my own. I am afraid of things that I do not understand and FEAR is my devil. It robs me of happiness, of love, and of companionship. I get afraid of opinions that I cannot understand--afraid of lifestyles that I cannot easily adapt to. It is hard to adjust to a lifestyle that you cannot understand, not only for the reason that it is different culturally, but more so for the reason that it is NOT in a language you can understand.
During my first month in the Netherlands, before the program, I blamed all of my bad moods on the Dutch language because I was getting sooo mad at it. Why? Because I did not know when to speak. I did not want to be rude and jump into a conversation lull using English so I kept quiet most of the time. (I'm usually very social). Koffie time can last hours... I wasn't sure how I could be of help. Interupting is considered rude in my house, so I didn't feel right interupting to ask if I could help clean up. Also, because they ALWAYS spoke Dutch I wasn't aware of what they were talking about and how they did things. I had to learn it all by observation AND by getting "lectured" a couple of times. Karyn--you should help with the dishes because you are living here. I know! But, I do not know when it is an appropriate time to do so because you are speaking in Dutch. Also, this is the first couple days I am here and I do not know your house routine just yet. Once I am familiar with the atmosphere, I can be a much better help... or if someone tells me right off the bat so that I do not have to appear as a fool and a "typical American" that would be much appreciated.
What can I say--first things first--learn the way of the host family/brothers/sisters and then you will be able to find your place and start to feel more comfortable and more at home.
I am very glad to be in Zwolle away from Jan so that I can spend time experiencing his culture on my own and through multiple Netherland-residents. I feel like this experience will help me understand him more even if it is not with him because I will be more open to the Dutch instead of to the de Jong's. So here's to the start of this semester abroad. Goed zo.