dear jan

Last night was a wreck. There was sooo much drama and then I started to talk to Lindsay online and I broke down. I talked to Ben about things. I don't want to tell you everything because I don't want to burden you. I can't. I think so much that it often works against me. *sighs*
Ben suggests that I support you in everything that you do, but is that right?
These are the issues that I am facing:
I want you to rule your own life. I want you to make your own choices. I want you to feel comfortable

with me and to feel comfortable with yourself. I want you to be true to yourself.
I want to rule my own life. I want to make my own choices. I want to feel comfortable with myself and
with you. I want to be true to myself...
Is it possible for me to have all of this?
I want to be with you.
I want to be happy. I want to be happy with you. I want to love you without pain.
What pains me?
Dylan--he is stupefied by the same choices you've made. I don't want another Dylan.
Opa--he was "dead" for 2 years before he actually died... from smoking.

I've always disliked smoking. I've never been attracted to smoking.
I care about you. I love you. I am afraid and scared and hurting.
I cried.
Why?

I was upset. I was under pressure. I was affected.
I know that you love me. I know that you respect me. I know that you care for me. I know that it is hard for you.
It is also hard for me. Why?

I am supposed to support you. I want to be supportive. BUT...
am I supposed to be supporting a simple choice, or a POOR choice?

I may not agree with the choices you make, but I am glad you are making them and NOT me.
I am GLAD you are not adjusting your life to mine. I am hurt. I can't stop this.
I don't know how well I can handle this. I don't know if I can handle this. I don't know if I am handling this.
My emotions.

It feels FUBAR.
SORT KARYN... FUCKING SORT... SORT HOW YOU ARE FEELING, UNDERSTAND IT...
what do I do?

You and me.

Am I in love with an idea? Or am I in love with you?

You are great, spectacular... And I love you. Not an idea. I love you.

That is why it hurts me so much. Love hurts. But pain shouldn't shine like the sun because that sort of pain is deadly.
Pain should shine like a lamp. You can see the pain, but it doesn't bite the eyes. You know its there, but its NOT
going to annihilate you.
I am in pain. You know that it hurts me. You see my pain... it doesn't hurt you like it could because I am choosing to wear
a lampshade. I love you, and I support you.
Or am I just saying that? what do I want? you??

Yeah. you. I love you! Don't you forget that. I have to work on my part instead of constantly zapping you for the pain you cost me.
The pain that I can learn to deal with. You know, I don't have to tell. So I will not be pushy... I will wait for you, my love. I will wait.

Will you wait for me?

Will you be ready?

I am serious. I am seriously hurt. I cannot live like this, in shadows for always. You must know.

But I will keep my distance. I will not be a bother. I will love you from afar.

I will work to better myself for you. Just let me know what's wrong.

I want to change, I want to adjust to you... I want to knock down my constitutions for you.

AND FOR ME. FOR ME. FOR ME...

Will you do this too?

when i was in the Netherlands, you disappointed me a number of times... will you continue to?

TIME

time

Time

you need time to overcome the power of the addiction, i need time to heal. i need time to mend. i need time to think, to sort, to satisfy.

what do I want?

MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.

to be happy. to be content.

Jan---you may be the best thing that has happened to me thus far in life, but that doesn’t say much. i mustn't put my trust in this.

you may not be the one. I may be mistaken. i may be blinded by your light... definitely.

What is it about you that I will not let go? ... why would it be so hard for me to just pack up and leave you?

you upset me frequently, but make me happy every damn day....

I wish I could be happy. I wish you wouldn’t upset. it will take a miracle for that to happen. TIME time time.

why is it that when I am with you, I am more without you than when I truly am without you?

i feel more without you with you by my side.